From the archives: On self-love and self-hate

Written February 22, 2018

"I love myself"

- you, all day, everyday, circa ASAP

I started using drugs and alcohol at 13, took a few years off between 15-17 and then started binge drinking again in grade 12, ecstasy on my 21st birthday and cocaine shortly after. From 21 onwards hard drugs and booze were a near-constant in my life.

My twenties went by in a flash and this remained the norm. I started my career, remained active and athletic. I maintained healthy and loving relationships with friends, family and partners. I travelled and lived all over the world. My life felt and appeared happy and healthy but underneath it all, unbeknownst to me, I was a mess.

While some part of me always knew that my drug use and binge drinking were out of alignment with my values and the life I was put on this earth to lead, it wasn't until my thirties that this awareness came to light in an alarming way.

After a night out I’d wake up and the first thought that came to mind was, "I hate myself.”

I'm sure this thought had been swirling around my brain for some time and was likely driving me to use drugs and alcohol the way I was but I’d never heard it before and all of a sudden it was ringing loud & clear.

It felt like a punch to the gut every single time so I did my best to ignore it but that didn’t work for long. This message wasn’t going away, it was forcing me to take a look at my life and asking me to make critical changes.

Around the same time I was introduced to 'The Secret' a flawed but popular book that people around me had started to pay attention to. The phrase "thoughts become things" entered my consciousness and the next time I woke up to that punishing self-hatred I decided to change one word in that phrase.

I changed hate to love. Sweet relief.

Even now, as I type that, I feel lighter and more connected to myself. If thoughts become things then changing my thought to "I love myself" was the first step towards loving myself and I decided to say it all day, everyday.

Slowly but surely it became my mantra. Today, in times of stress, self-doubt and heartache those 3 words pop into my head automatically and I smile every single time. 

It took me 6 years from that first morning to quit using drugs and to curtail my drinking to social but it was the first step towards changing my life.

I wonder, what could you begin to say to yourself that might change your life?